Wednesday, August 20, 2014


If I were to imagine a meeting with the Times Leader and Leighton... my satirical dream may go something like this...

Leighton: "I am sick of reading stories about corruption, federal investigations, and murders. You guys need to make me look good."

Times Leader: "We try and report just the news as it happens."

Leighton: "Well you better change the way you report. Otherwise I will cut you off from me, city hall, even the police." Try and sell papers then!!"

Times Leader: "Is that a threat?"

Leighton: "Damn right it is! I want stories with "puff!" "Puff" I say! I want more "puff" damnit! ... and more cow bell."

Cream puff
Times Leader: "Well we certainly don't want to be cut off. We'll assign Bill O'Boyle to you. He hardly does any research... and he's the best suck-hole we've got." 

Leighton: "Can't I just write my own stories and hand them in?"

Times Leader: "That's essentially what you've got with O'Boyle."

Times Leader: Just look at the Aug 19th article about the Parking Authority. Could O'Boyle have treated you any nicer? There was no nexus between:
a) You and the federal investigation
b) You and the shocking payments to your old cronies JJ Murphy and Fox Rothschild

Looks like a free pass to us.   See article Here

... 2 weeks later (Aug 21)

Times Leader: "Well we have tried to give you some puff stories. Were you happy with these recent stories?

A)  The flattering survey of Wilkes-Barre that we ran... the one that wasn't finished (Diamond City Partnership c/o Larry Newman). I mean... who else gets such good press on a survey that wasn't researched, audited, or completed!"

B) Then we ran the story that cynics are calling "lipstick on a pig." In the published picture - we were careful to only show the home on Blackman Street that had all the money thrown at it. No eye sores in our picture. Just the home with the facades!

Out of respect for you we didn't ask why that house was picked or which contractors got paid. We don't feel it is our obligation to stick our noses anywhere there may be a kickback hiding.

Even though we are a newspaper... we really don't like to ask questions of... well... ah... really just of you. I mean a discerning person may have wondered why a truck took Sherman Hills records away after they got a free pass on city inspections for years. That saved the owners hundreds of thousands($) in fees and repairs. 

Could anyone else have benefitted? Sure. But our editorial board felt that what happened there is "between you and the Lord." We are just a newspaper. 

C) Today's story (Aug 21) that we ran regarding the comeback of South Main Street. Note what we didn't write:
- Bartikowski's and Peruginos' are still closed.
- Success seems to be correlated with liquor licences.
- Filling empty buildings with office staff doesn't add to downtown sales revenue because they don't sell anything.
- Hopes and expectancies are talked about like they are realities.

Leighton: "That's a start. Can't you do more?"

Times Leader: "How about a confetti party? Or a banquet in honor of your Lordship. Like any business that likes to waste money... we hired a consultant. Fox Rothschild. They suggested kids games... no relation to your maturity level we are sure

-   Pin the tail on the drunkie
-   Hide and go seek your liver
-   Musical beers

We will let you add to the punch as you like. Cops will be available to drive you home. Our lips are sealed. We promise you. They always are.

We have a wonderful guest speaker. You may have heard of her...
The one and only "Heroin Honey!" Catherine Meehan! She will be speaking on "How to play Dessoye like a fiddle." Of course this is assuming she is out of prison and can stand while dope sick."

Leighton: "Something is fishy here. Are you sure Sorick or Robbins or Summers or Jasikoff didn't have a say in this?"

Times Leader: "Absolutely not. They scare us with their honesty. They ask too many questions for our newspaper." 

"Puff" cannot be a "party" to them.

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